Have you ever thought about why we are told to swaddle our babies? Why they seem to smooth to the shhing noise? Or by being upright on your chest? 

All these things remind them of being in the womb, our heart beat, the sound of the blood in the umbilical cord, being all snug and squished as they grow inside of us. 

I've spent these past eight weeks nurturing him, providing him all the comfort he cries for, feeding on demand and surrendering myself to his needs. I'm pouring in so much effort to one tiny human sometimes I'm forgetting to show affection to the other two males in my life.  

But there is never a right or wrong in parenting, my techniques with Archer are almost opposite to the techniques I used with Charlie. Maybe that's because I know I am not having anymore children, maybe I'm trying to keep him little forever. Maybe there are some deeper underlying issues of my own. Whatever the case, don't let anyone tell you your doing it wrong. Do it however you please. 

They are only little for so long, enjoy it, embrace it and be content with however you choose to raise your child. 

If only you would feed. Occasional sucking isn't quite cutting it, my milk is overflowing and we are both being showered. It would be a perfect pumping opportunity, a chance to store some milk away. But with you using my nipple as a dummy I wouldn't dare even move an inch. 

Be milk drunk my darling, fill your little belly to its limits. Sigh and flop into my arms and fall into a deep sleep.

Use natural lighting, curtains open and use lighting to increase "daytime" if gloomy outside. 

Keep your newborn around the daily noise of your household; yes even when they are asleep! Bring the bassinet to the lounge is always a good tip. 

Each night before your newborns "last feed", for me this was around 10pm with Charlie and it's now 8pm with Archer; create a sequence of events which lead up to sleep. 

As a newborn I would do bath, tummy time, feed and bed. 

As a two year old we do dinner, bath, pack away toys, story and bed.

A normal day with Charlie begins somewhere around 7am and ends with a story then bedtime at roughly 8.30pm. A nap after lunch from say 1-2/3 pm is also included in our day. 

But... Here is where the chaos comes into play throw in a newborn who wakes your tot up during the night, which makes him sleep in. This sleep in proceeds to make his nap time run late and the. come bedtime he isn't tired. By the time he is tired its cluster feeding time ; the newborn is attatched to my breast and I don't dare put him down. 

So where and how do I find routine amongst this mess?

God only knows and I'm sure he ain't going to spill the beans and help a girl out.

Tomorrow I am going to attempt to find the natural structure of my newborn. It sounds silly I know... He cluster feeds, he feeds on demand and most of the time only sleeps when his being held. But surely there will be some form of body clock in his own little world that will structure a feed and sleep routine. 

I'm going to jot down in my journal each time I feed and each time he has an awake period; since he sleeps more than his awake, documenting when his awake will be easier! After two or three days hopefully we will see some similarities between the days and be able to try merg the two routines into one. 

Wish me luck, I don't know if this is right or wrong but I need to try something. I'm going crazy and I hate the unknown. Any tips tricks or advice please comment offend me an email! tiarne.straatman@gmail.com 

Somedays the only comfort I find is in the bottom of the shower, with hot water running over my face; no one knows I'm crying. In a dark room I feel safe, the only light is a dim glow of the heater. Somedays I'm ashamed.

My whole pregnancy I struggled to comprehend how I would share my love between two children. How I could love another, when my whole world is already in my arms. What a shock it was to find how i truly felt, when I came home from hospital and reality set in. 

After the perfect “I got this” first three days at home... Archer decided to start holding in his wind, constantly feeding for comfort and only wanting to settle for Dad because the smell of my breastmilk would keep him wanting more. During all of this I never once was frustrated with my newborn son; I had 100% patience with him. Whereas my two year old, who just wanted to be the centre of mummies world again was being yelled at... 

“Stop”

“Put that down”

“Smack?”

“Charlie please don't”

What was he doing wrong? I couldn't tell you. He was just being around his mum and his new little brother. Probably wanting to help and to have some of the attention that is now being given to someone els. 

I find that my fuse with Charlie is short. Things I use to laugh off or brush over and ignore now leads to punishment and being told off. I'm lashing out, no I'm not hurting him. I yell at him, I smack his hand more often than I should; sometimes I feel like I am learning to despise him. My own son. 

Charlie is my whole world and has been for the past two years. Immediately after I lash out at him I breakdown, the emotions I feel just consume me and tears begin to flow. He is crying, I am crying. He wipes my tears and we cuddle. I feel like he is my rock but also the hammer which smashes it to pieces.

Dear my toddler, I'm sorry about the newborn. 

The moment you walked into the hospital room will forever bring a tear to my eye. You were mesmerised and inlove. No words can come close to explaining the connection I felt between the four of us. 

Mummy's favourite words have became STOP and GENTLE; I'm sorry I know you just want to love him. 

Only last week you had me all to yourself, please remember I'm still mummy. You just need to share me now. I'm sorry that my arms sometimes can't cuddle the two of you, but my heart will never be too crowded for you.

Mummy is sorry that baby cries and sometimes I can't make him stop. Mummy is sorry that she makes you cry; I know you only want my attention but mummy is learning too. 

But guess what darling? I'm not sorry about a lot of things too. 

I'm not sorry that you now have a best friend, a play mate, and a brother. 

I'm not sorry that without you knowing this is teaching you things; independence as well as how to love and care for something. To help others and to share. 

I'm not sorry that we extended our family. I'm not sorry that we created more love. 

Love Mummy

He will love you so much and sometimes he might cuddle you too tight. He will be the roughest form of gentle anyone will have ever seen; I'm sorry. 

It doesn't seem fair that his first year of life was full of cuddles, attention and bonding time. I'm sorry darling that we will need to work out how to survive each minute.

Your nap times will have some background noise; you will quickly learn to sleep through anything. Most of the time it will just be mummy yelling at your big brother, it will soon become normal. I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry for all these things that your currently unaware of. But its what I'm not sorry about that really matters. 

I'm not sorry that you have a big brother here waiting for you. To protect you, care and defend you. He will be your first friend, your best friend. The one you can fight with yet he will always be right there behind you. Ready to catch you when you fall; and laugh as he lifts you back up. 

That I'm not sorry about, one day you will thank me. 

Love From Mummy. 

I had a midwife appointment at 33 weeks, where I finally got the chance to meet my student follow through midwife Gabi. She is fabulous, we chat via text all the time but meeting her and having her feel my stomach and do my obs made it feel more real. Having my OB and main midwife say they may not be at my birth was daunting but knowing Gabi will be there 100% has boosted my confidence! 

I'll be getting more bloods done tomorrow to see if my iron levels have increased into a safer level. I've still been taking the moltfer so fingers crossed!

I made the choice to begin taking Evening Primrose Oil capsules orally, twice a day at 33 weeks; I'll continue this until birth. Babe has been moving so much, it gets so uncomfortable! Something that does help is a long walk, followed by a bath and a hot cup of Raspberry Leaf Tea. Total relaxation. 

This past week I have been feeling extreme amounts of pressure all through my pelvis bum and thighs, it comes and goes in waves. Hopefully this is a sign of him moving down and engaging! 

"Will I ever love my second child as much as my first?"

"How can this new baby even compete with the strength of the bond with my toddler?"

"Am I a bad person for feeling this way?"

"What if I don't get any one on one time with my first born?"

These are all questions running through my head... Of course I know I will fall instantly In love with the bundle of life inside of me, the moment he looks into my eyes, that first cry and gasp of air. I just don't know if I'm ready to fall in love like that all over again? I know my heart will break if Charlie feels replaced, pushed aside or second best. His been my one and only for almost two years now. His whole life it's just been my attention solely focused on him. 

With saying all of this, seeing Charlie's eyes light up with delight when we are in the nursery, whilst his kissing my belly and asking for the baby, makes my heart melt. It gives me hope. Maybe it will be okay? Maybe he will also fall in love and slip into his role of big brother. Shane and I will both be learning all over again, but so will Charlie. He will be learning how to share, no not his toys, his mum and dad. 

Wish me luck,

Mummy Blogger.

Last months favourites blog was late and this months is early? Motherhood right... You can never be perfect. Speaking of perfection, I have heard a lot about this secret group of mothers and woman on Instagram, mummy mafia ect. I have never witnessed it myself but it sounds awful. Grown adults, mothers, roll models bullying?! Seriously. It's pathetic. You can use social media to stream the perfect lifestyle, posed pictures, designer clothes and decor. But you know what? The people who feel the need to hide the reality from their social media are the ones who are insecure. I love posing Charlie and dressing him up but I've still got a fucking grip on reality. I'll post the 500 bad photos before posting the one half good one I got. 

I don't appreciate falling into the category of mummy bloggers who do it to get free shit, to be Insta Famous and whatever other crap you want to throw around. 

I write this blog to share my knowledge and experiences, to hopefully help at least one person, to show them they are not alone. 

For myself this month I have been reaching out for support. I have gotten involved in a bead swap on one of my favourite pages the Vbac Australia support group page on Facebook. I highly reccomended this group! They also have a lot of sister groups including the Vbac Victoria support group who I have also joined for info on hospitals and care providers. I find the woman uplifting and super encouraging. 

For our little mini we have purchased a wardrobe and sets of drawers, I have sorted through all Charlie's clothing and kept the handy items! *see previous blog post for newborn essentials* I have purchased accordingly and stocking up on bits and pieces which I think are important. Such as zip up onsies and button up under the nappy singlets.

My absolute favourite thing about Charlie this month is he is now acknowledging when he is doing a poo or wee. He comes and tells me once his finished, does anyone know how I can get him to tell me before he goes? Is this a good toilet training sign? 

I wrote a newborn must haves a few months back which you can find at this link http://yourmummyblogger.blogspot.com/2015/02/new-mum-must-haves-things-no-one-tells.html 

Grow suits is what i think the technical name is called. Those singlet, tshirt and long sleeved things that button up underneath the nappy. You can put them under anything and it doesn't ride up their back. No more constant tucking in! 

Sadly they only go up to size one from what I can find, if they went larger I would continue sticking up for Charlie.

Onesies - this time around I have opted for zip up onesies. Nothing worse than struggling with a wriggley newborn at 3am whilst your changing nappies. 

I have thrown out all Charlie's cute clothes in 0000s there is just no way I am putting a newborn in anything other than a onesie this time around. It's a rookie mistake and they look so uncomfortable in proper clothes at that age. 

Kmart coral fleece blanket for only $5 how can you resist. Perfect size to wrap a newborn, use in the pram, car seat or bassinet as well as being great to carry around to throw down to change bub on.