But of course, my two year old doesn't blow out the wishes on the dandelion like mummy does; he doesn't wish away his problems, he has none. All he sees is a flower with silly petals that float away with the wind. He wanders why this particular flower is different, why it is so fluffy, why it tickles him. Little does he know it's not a flower at all. 

His beloved flower is a weed. Something people constantly try to dispose of. Something a gardener poisens or pulls out of their flower patch. Something no one else notices. Yet Charlie is blissfully unaware of this. As he plays and giggles, I am watching, I know his only concern is where the next dandelion is hiding amongst the grass. 

It's ironic isn't it, that when you have some time to yourself - child free - instead of drinking lattés and eating croissants, your cleaning and slaving away because you feel guilty that your not looking after your own child. 

Well I'll be honest with you now, that guilt disappears. You end up loving daycare more than the child does, and believe me Charlie LOVES it. He wakes up on a Monday morning asking to see the kids, mind you daycare isn't until Wednesday. Now before you start saying bad mum shoving her kid off to daycare. Charlie's speech and social skills have sky rocketed over the past few months. Independence and confidence are two qualities which are shining bright and I'm as proud as ever. 

But as I was saying, that guilt goes out the window, you do a quick tidy up and the plop down on the couch. You watch a few episodes or even a season of your go to tv show and drink those lattés you know you deserve. 

7am rise and shine - breakfast (weetbix or toast)

10am morning tea (yoghurt or fruit)

12.30pm lunch 

1.30pm sleep

Wake up at 3pm if not already awake

3.30pm afternoon tea (crackers, cheese, dried fruit)

6.00pm dinner

7.30pm bath or shower 

8.00pm story time then bed

At 18 months Charlie began noticing when he had done a poo, he hated it. By 20 months he would back up to me and stand there until I checked his bum; you guessed it poo.

Now at two years old he will tell me before he needs do to wee's and poo's.

When Charlie was 18 months and showing those first signs of toilet training I went out and purchased a stool and a seat for the toilet. For us, toilet equals distraction! Wanting to flush and use toilet paper is all we were accomplishing.

20 months I went out and got a potty, after two hours of him wanting to push it all around the house and play in it, I decided to pack it away. I was getting frustrated and I didn't want a negative atmosphere with something so important.

Now at 24 months we are attempting the potty again, it stays in the bathroom and the only difficulty we have is that I also have a newborn to attend to. Helping Charlie with the potty isn't always so easy. 

I don't think we will try again tomorrow, I think we will just work with Charlie. When he wants to use the potty I'll sit him on it, instead of forcing him to use it.

A normal day with Charlie begins somewhere around 7am and ends with a story then bedtime at roughly 8.30pm. A nap after lunch from say 1-2/3 pm is also included in our day. 

But... Here is where the chaos comes into play throw in a newborn who wakes your tot up during the night, which makes him sleep in. This sleep in proceeds to make his nap time run late and the. come bedtime he isn't tired. By the time he is tired its cluster feeding time ; the newborn is attatched to my breast and I don't dare put him down. 

So where and how do I find routine amongst this mess?

God only knows and I'm sure he ain't going to spill the beans and help a girl out.

Tomorrow I am going to attempt to find the natural structure of my newborn. It sounds silly I know... He cluster feeds, he feeds on demand and most of the time only sleeps when his being held. But surely there will be some form of body clock in his own little world that will structure a feed and sleep routine. 

I'm going to jot down in my journal each time I feed and each time he has an awake period; since he sleeps more than his awake, documenting when his awake will be easier! After two or three days hopefully we will see some similarities between the days and be able to try merg the two routines into one. 

Wish me luck, I don't know if this is right or wrong but I need to try something. I'm going crazy and I hate the unknown. Any tips tricks or advice please comment offend me an email! tiarne.straatman@gmail.com 

But where have you gone? Where is my baby? I now have this little boy standing infront of me. His dark brown eyes smile as his mind ticks; always thinking. He will turn two years old on Tuesday. A bright, happy, cheeky toddler. 

You have achieved so many things in the past two years. Recently I have watched you become a big brother, the love and affection you show your baby brother is something els. The worry in your eyes when he cries tells me I don't need to worry; you'll protect him.

Charlie my darling you push me to my limits most days and 80% of the time I snap, the other 20% we giggle at your naughtiness. I wish we could giggle more often, your only small for such a short time. Over the next 12 months I promise to try more. Try to work with you rather than against you, laugh at your cheekiness and only get grumpy when it's really necessary. 

Happy birthday my beautiful little man, you make me proud each and every day. I love you.

If I can't hear you mummy I can't get into trouble...

Somedays the only comfort I find is in the bottom of the shower, with hot water running over my face; no one knows I'm crying. In a dark room I feel safe, the only light is a dim glow of the heater. Somedays I'm ashamed.

My whole pregnancy I struggled to comprehend how I would share my love between two children. How I could love another, when my whole world is already in my arms. What a shock it was to find how i truly felt, when I came home from hospital and reality set in. 

After the perfect “I got this” first three days at home... Archer decided to start holding in his wind, constantly feeding for comfort and only wanting to settle for Dad because the smell of my breastmilk would keep him wanting more. During all of this I never once was frustrated with my newborn son; I had 100% patience with him. Whereas my two year old, who just wanted to be the centre of mummies world again was being yelled at... 

“Stop”

“Put that down”

“Smack?”

“Charlie please don't”

What was he doing wrong? I couldn't tell you. He was just being around his mum and his new little brother. Probably wanting to help and to have some of the attention that is now being given to someone els. 

I find that my fuse with Charlie is short. Things I use to laugh off or brush over and ignore now leads to punishment and being told off. I'm lashing out, no I'm not hurting him. I yell at him, I smack his hand more often than I should; sometimes I feel like I am learning to despise him. My own son. 

Charlie is my whole world and has been for the past two years. Immediately after I lash out at him I breakdown, the emotions I feel just consume me and tears begin to flow. He is crying, I am crying. He wipes my tears and we cuddle. I feel like he is my rock but also the hammer which smashes it to pieces.

Dear my toddler, I'm sorry about the newborn. 

The moment you walked into the hospital room will forever bring a tear to my eye. You were mesmerised and inlove. No words can come close to explaining the connection I felt between the four of us. 

Mummy's favourite words have became STOP and GENTLE; I'm sorry I know you just want to love him. 

Only last week you had me all to yourself, please remember I'm still mummy. You just need to share me now. I'm sorry that my arms sometimes can't cuddle the two of you, but my heart will never be too crowded for you.

Mummy is sorry that baby cries and sometimes I can't make him stop. Mummy is sorry that she makes you cry; I know you only want my attention but mummy is learning too. 

But guess what darling? I'm not sorry about a lot of things too. 

I'm not sorry that you now have a best friend, a play mate, and a brother. 

I'm not sorry that without you knowing this is teaching you things; independence as well as how to love and care for something. To help others and to share. 

I'm not sorry that we extended our family. I'm not sorry that we created more love. 

Love Mummy

He will love you so much and sometimes he might cuddle you too tight. He will be the roughest form of gentle anyone will have ever seen; I'm sorry. 

It doesn't seem fair that his first year of life was full of cuddles, attention and bonding time. I'm sorry darling that we will need to work out how to survive each minute.

Your nap times will have some background noise; you will quickly learn to sleep through anything. Most of the time it will just be mummy yelling at your big brother, it will soon become normal. I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry for all these things that your currently unaware of. But its what I'm not sorry about that really matters. 

I'm not sorry that you have a big brother here waiting for you. To protect you, care and defend you. He will be your first friend, your best friend. The one you can fight with yet he will always be right there behind you. Ready to catch you when you fall; and laugh as he lifts you back up. 

That I'm not sorry about, one day you will thank me. 

Love From Mummy. 

I've been spending my time on all fours crawling around with Charlie to make sure my pelvis opens and babe engages in the correct position. When I'm not crawling around on the ground I'm sitting on my exercise ball, sipping on Ice Tea. I can't bring myself to drink hot tea on these 30-40 degree days; so I make an iced version of Red Raspberry Leaf tea. 

Well this is a good bloody question and I'm glad it's been asked. As much as I could use a break and time away from my energy stealing bundle of smiles. This one day a week at daycare isn't about me at all. Shane and I agreed to place Charlie into care for his own benefit. Social skills, attachment anxiety, extra learning and development. 

In regards to Charlie - I believe the biggest hurdle for him is the change over of staff. He attaches himself to an educator, then when she leaves for her break he has to settle with someone else. The main benefit of the centre Charlie is attending is the staff rotating in his room are generally the same. So this hasn't been an issue in the past week, as he is getting comfortable with each one of them; which is a step in the right direction! 

As I said before, I'm not doing this to make my life easier or make myself feel good. I hate hearing him cry out for me and all I want to do is run in there and scoop him up. But what's that going to do for him? His safe and he enjoys himself whilst I'm gone. 

I am still that original mumma, I am struggling with his terrible twos (mind you his  22months) , two year old molars and wondering where his hiding all this food he is apparently eating? Seriously a two year old is eating me out of house and home... 

Tiarne Straatman,