If only you would feed. Occasional sucking isn't quite cutting it, my milk is overflowing and we are both being showered. It would be a perfect pumping opportunity, a chance to store some milk away. But with you using my nipple as a dummy I wouldn't dare even move an inch. 

Be milk drunk my darling, fill your little belly to its limits. Sigh and flop into my arms and fall into a deep sleep.

At 18 months Charlie began noticing when he had done a poo, he hated it. By 20 months he would back up to me and stand there until I checked his bum; you guessed it poo.

Now at two years old he will tell me before he needs do to wee's and poo's.

When Charlie was 18 months and showing those first signs of toilet training I went out and purchased a stool and a seat for the toilet. For us, toilet equals distraction! Wanting to flush and use toilet paper is all we were accomplishing.

20 months I went out and got a potty, after two hours of him wanting to push it all around the house and play in it, I decided to pack it away. I was getting frustrated and I didn't want a negative atmosphere with something so important.

Now at 24 months we are attempting the potty again, it stays in the bathroom and the only difficulty we have is that I also have a newborn to attend to. Helping Charlie with the potty isn't always so easy. 

I don't think we will try again tomorrow, I think we will just work with Charlie. When he wants to use the potty I'll sit him on it, instead of forcing him to use it.

Use natural lighting, curtains open and use lighting to increase "daytime" if gloomy outside. 

Keep your newborn around the daily noise of your household; yes even when they are asleep! Bring the bassinet to the lounge is always a good tip. 

Each night before your newborns "last feed", for me this was around 10pm with Charlie and it's now 8pm with Archer; create a sequence of events which lead up to sleep. 

As a newborn I would do bath, tummy time, feed and bed. 

As a two year old we do dinner, bath, pack away toys, story and bed.

A normal day with Charlie begins somewhere around 7am and ends with a story then bedtime at roughly 8.30pm. A nap after lunch from say 1-2/3 pm is also included in our day. 

But... Here is where the chaos comes into play throw in a newborn who wakes your tot up during the night, which makes him sleep in. This sleep in proceeds to make his nap time run late and the. come bedtime he isn't tired. By the time he is tired its cluster feeding time ; the newborn is attatched to my breast and I don't dare put him down. 

So where and how do I find routine amongst this mess?

God only knows and I'm sure he ain't going to spill the beans and help a girl out.

Tomorrow I am going to attempt to find the natural structure of my newborn. It sounds silly I know... He cluster feeds, he feeds on demand and most of the time only sleeps when his being held. But surely there will be some form of body clock in his own little world that will structure a feed and sleep routine. 

I'm going to jot down in my journal each time I feed and each time he has an awake period; since he sleeps more than his awake, documenting when his awake will be easier! After two or three days hopefully we will see some similarities between the days and be able to try merg the two routines into one. 

Wish me luck, I don't know if this is right or wrong but I need to try something. I'm going crazy and I hate the unknown. Any tips tricks or advice please comment offend me an email! tiarne.straatman@gmail.com 

Dear my fiancé,

Do you feel cheated, that the girl you fell for is no longer the girl your engaged to? In some ways you should, it's kinda false advertising right? Well I'm sorry you lost your girlfriend, but you did gain a fiancé and two children.

I'm sorry I no longer ask how high when you say jump, it doesn't mean I love you any less. But hey let's face it we both went to extreme lengths to try please each other when we were first dating, it's what you do because you want them but once you have them you relax, get comfy and true colours show. 

You don't only relax and dull down on compliments and nice gestures, you also let yourself go. I'm sorry I'm no longer that slim yet curvy girl with perky boobs. I no longer have time to take pride in my appearance and that has blown my self confidence put the window. 

But where have you gone? Where is my baby? I now have this little boy standing infront of me. His dark brown eyes smile as his mind ticks; always thinking. He will turn two years old on Tuesday. A bright, happy, cheeky toddler. 

You have achieved so many things in the past two years. Recently I have watched you become a big brother, the love and affection you show your baby brother is something els. The worry in your eyes when he cries tells me I don't need to worry; you'll protect him.

Charlie my darling you push me to my limits most days and 80% of the time I snap, the other 20% we giggle at your naughtiness. I wish we could giggle more often, your only small for such a short time. Over the next 12 months I promise to try more. Try to work with you rather than against you, laugh at your cheekiness and only get grumpy when it's really necessary. 

Happy birthday my beautiful little man, you make me proud each and every day. I love you.

If I can't hear you mummy I can't get into trouble...

I woke with a loss of fluid in my underwear and a soft crampy feeling in my stomach. By 9am I was having light contractions and I made a phone call to the hospital. 

The hospital was really easy going not phased at all until I mentioned I was a VBAC... The midwife told me to go in immediately; I told her I would come when I was ready. 

We set off for the hospital, in no rush what so ever. We stopped for lunch, dropped the toddler off with his Nanna and even made a pit stop at McDonald's. My contractions we becoming more mild and regular at this stage. Both Shane and I were shocked at how I was riding through each contraction and staying so calm. I was enjoying it. I knew I was going to birth this baby out of my vagina! 

Arrived at the hospital, was asked to sit through half an hour of CTG. After letting them know how I felt about continuous fetal monitoring they were kind enough to take it off after 15 minutes. Contractions had fizzled since arriving at hospital and being made to sit down, they were only coming here and there. The doctor preformed a speculum to clarify whether my waters ruptured at 7am or if the fluid was more mucus plug. My cervix was closed and there were no signs of my membranes rupturing. 

So we headed home. 

After labouring at home all afternoon it was time to go to hospital, knowing we were an hour away I began to think we wouldn't make it! Safe to say Shane managed to get us to the hospital in about half the time... 

Once at hospital the midwife I had was amazing, she had also had three vbacs herself! At 2am we did a vaginal exam and I was 6cms, she told the OB I was only 4cms incase my labour stalled so there would definitely be progress ;) how sneaky. 

The hot shower worked wonders for my back pain at this stage. The midwife also had me "marching" to help bring baby down and finish turning him as he was still slightly posterior. We got down on the floor on all fours and did knee to chest position through about 5 contractions and wow the relief this had on my back was amazing too! It was around this time I asked for the gas. 

As time passed and the contractions became more intense as did the back labour, nothing was easing it. I had a shot of pethadine to try take the edge off. Like Charlie's birth the pethadine helped me relax, I managed to rest between contractions.

At 5am they broke my waters and soon after I was pushing. Not willingly pushing like I did with Charlie, not trying to push him out, my body had taken over, it was pushing, it was intense and the back pain was unbearable. I begged for an epidural. 

The midwife went away and came back and said we could try sterile water injections, I told her to call the anethiest, that I wasn't consenting to anything other than an epidural and to get me a fucking epidural now. With having the epidural she said I had to stop my body pushing; this was hell. Trying to stop something you have no control over, words can't explain the feeling.

The anethiest came and tried to introduce herself and tell me the risks involved. This is something I didn't want to hear and with over lapping contractions it wasn't something I was going to take in either. I rudely told her I knew the risks and I had done more than enough research. 

Unlike the spinal block which I became numb instantly the epidural felt like it took forever to kick in...

After a vaginal exam by the OB (mind you this was the first I had seen the OB all night) they decided that forceps would need to be used to help deliver my son. The lip on my cervix could be pushed to the side but it kept coming back. ( Can't remember any technical words to try explain it... ) 

Due to a failed intervention of a vacuum extraction with Charlie's birth they prepped for a cesarean. This meant we all moved down to theatre; at this point I was scared. It was all too familiar; thoughts of failure dwelled in my mind. I began apologising to Shane, God knows why but I did.

I'm guessing it was somewhere around 8am as we were all moving to theatre. A lot of people introduced themselves to Shane and I. My epidural was topped up, incase of cesarean, this I was thankful for because it now blocked out all back pain. The contractions were fine, I could ride through each wave; the back pain was on a different level.

Before I knew it they guided me as to when I needed to push. After a few pushes the help of the forceps and an episiotomy, I felt lots of pressure and they told me his head was out! One more push and he was brought straight up onto my chest. The blood, the slime and all the amazing stuff was all over me. I fucking did it, I got what I wanted. Tears welled in my eyes and I looked up at Shane, he kissed my head, no one has ever looked at me with so much pride in their eyes. I honestly wouldn't of been able to succeed without him.