Somedays the only comfort I find is in the bottom of the shower, with hot water running over my face; no one knows I'm crying. In a dark room I feel safe, the only light is a dim glow of the heater. Somedays I'm ashamed.

My whole pregnancy I struggled to comprehend how I would share my love between two children. How I could love another, when my whole world is already in my arms. What a shock it was to find how i truly felt, when I came home from hospital and reality set in. 

After the perfect “I got this” first three days at home... Archer decided to start holding in his wind, constantly feeding for comfort and only wanting to settle for Dad because the smell of my breastmilk would keep him wanting more. During all of this I never once was frustrated with my newborn son; I had 100% patience with him. Whereas my two year old, who just wanted to be the centre of mummies world again was being yelled at... 

“Stop”

“Put that down”

“Smack?”

“Charlie please don't”

What was he doing wrong? I couldn't tell you. He was just being around his mum and his new little brother. Probably wanting to help and to have some of the attention that is now being given to someone els. 

I find that my fuse with Charlie is short. Things I use to laugh off or brush over and ignore now leads to punishment and being told off. I'm lashing out, no I'm not hurting him. I yell at him, I smack his hand more often than I should; sometimes I feel like I am learning to despise him. My own son. 

Charlie is my whole world and has been for the past two years. Immediately after I lash out at him I breakdown, the emotions I feel just consume me and tears begin to flow. He is crying, I am crying. He wipes my tears and we cuddle. I feel like he is my rock but also the hammer which smashes it to pieces.

Well hey there 15 year old me! 

Hair extentions in, makeup on, fake tan? CHECK. Oh and don't forget that overly frilly pair of underwear you for some reason think are super sexy. 

Don't forget your bottle of Pash n Pop or Trevi either girl. 

That pretty much sums up your life from 15 - 17. Alcohol, Fun, Boys, Friendships and Love. 

Let's start with love.. Or should I say heart brake? I'm sorry to brake it to you gorgeous girl but that boy your head over heels in love with. Yes, the one who treats you so well and makes you the happiest girl in the world. He will brake your heart. Smash it into tiny pieces and leave you an emotional wreck. 

My advice is, don't shut yourself down so much. There are so many people around you that care and want to help you. You may not realise it but this is the moment your depression really hits hard and it's a journey I want you to not experience. 

You need help now, not in two years time. 

You know one good thing that came from your now ex bf. A large group of new friendships. Friendships you keep even long after that relationship fades away.  One special one in perticular, after you finish reading this 15 year old me, go hug Peter Clarke really tight, even tighter than you normally do. Treasure every moment with him. Don't ask me why, just do it. He is one person who you have a lot to thank for, a gorgeous soul. 

At 16 you have already met your dream man, not that you would believe me if I said who! Just before your 18th birthday he will propose to you and 2 and a bit months before your 19th birthday you will give birth to a healthy baby. This baby brings a whole new meaning to life for lots of family members. 

If I could give you any advice, it would be this...

Don't take anything for granted, life is short! You will loose people who mean everything to you. But you can keep going. Be everything they would want you to be and more. Make them proud. Don't listen to people who try to bring you down. Your hot and they are probably, no wait they are deffinitely just jealous ✋

Stay true to yourself, your morals and your goals. You can be anything you want to be! 

Love your settled down almost 20 year old self. 

I'm not ashamed to say that I before pregnancy suffered with depression, I suffered long before I was even diagnosed, in those years before I was diagnosed I did some silly things, I'm very lucky to be here and telling my story today. It was hard. I had some really dark days. 

Speaking up was the best thing I ever did, I wouldn't of been able to do it on my own though. I had my best friend and my boyfriend by my side each step of the way. They were encouraging me to get help, it worked. I started taking medication and my moods and head space leveled out after a while. But I felt flat, I felt as though I was walking on a straight line.. To my left was happiness and my right sadness, I couldn't reach either of them. I was a zombie. Someone non human. An alien. These are not feelings someone already depressed should be having. So I stopped taking my meds.

I then became pregnant, those mood swings which once were directed at depression now fell under the category of hormonal and pregnant! Once Charlie was born looking back I think I suffered with postnatal depression, I didn't want to speak up because I didn't want to look like a bad mother. I was already looked down upon for being young. I was scared they would think of me as unfit to care for him. 8 months past and I finally went to seek help, I went back to the same doctor whom had diagnosed me the first time. She helped sort out what was going on in my head. She told me that not enough people are brave enough to ask for help, and that it worries her.

But now I'm asking you, if you or anyone you know feels like they need help in any aspect of their life, please please seek help. It only takes one bad situation to tip someone over the edge and I know how that feels. I do understand and you CAN get through this. 

It does get better and I AM living proof. 

My lowest point of parenting would have to be when Charlie was about 3 weeks old. I was still a very new mum who had no idea why my baby would cry and cry. He probably just wanted to be close to his mum? But I was sleep deprived, I was mentally and physically exhausted. I was struggling to find the balance of being a mum, a fiancé, and a friend. 

It was 3am, a time when I was always asleep. But now it was a time to wake up and feed this little person who solely relied on me. I changed him and began to breastfeed. Instead of waking him after he finished feeding off one side and swapping him I gently placed him in his bassinet. He was asleep maybe 5 minutes and he started screaming, why did I do? Instead of feeding my baby who was still hungry I got frustrated because he wouldn't go to sleep with his dummy or being rocked. I began to cry, I looked at him and said what do you want from me. 

My poor little baby just wanted his mummy and was hungry. I was too sleep deprived and exhausted to realise what I was doing wrong.